The cleaning person just left. She has been in my apartment the better part of two days. The VA is sending me a personal aid for nine ours a week. I met with the provider’s scout. Tomorrow I meet the actual aid. The scout mentioned his surprise that a double amputee only qualified for nine hours a week. I am surprised a person without legs would qualify at all. It wasn’t until I started loosing the use of my left arm that I decided I needed help.
On the other hand, it was not thinking I needed help that caused my left arm to fail. Two years ago, my arm was fine and i walked on prosthetic legs. I fell through the landlord’s rotted wood deck. The fall screwed up my left knee and arm. Unable to wear prosthetics, i compensated by crawling to do various chores like scrubbing the tub, toilet and floors. Not often, but enough to my reckoning. My apartment management did not recon the same.
In attempting comply with their wishes, I crawled more and more. Eventually the nerves in my arm became so irritated that my hand stopped working right. It’s been 2 years since the fall. From experience, I know it will get better. But for now, I have only the one working limb. So yes, for now I need a bit of help.
Per my request, the cleaning person left my bedroom untouched. The bedroom is not dirty because all I do in there is sleep. But it is wildly cluttered with mobility devices I acquired learning to walk on prosthetics. There is a back up wheel chair. a light folding walker, a deluxe walker with seat, my old prosthetics, full crutches, half crutches, and enough odds and ends to open a mobility clinic.
Q: Why not get rid of all this clutter?
A: Because I will need them to walk again.
A light bulb went off over my head. That is why I have been so depressed lately. All these people who are paid to accept me for who I am detract from who I want to become. Their nanny focus is on the first line of the Serenity Prayer:
“God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;”
But that line does not end with a period. It ends with a semicolon because there is more. The Serenity Prayer is not about surrender is not about surrender. It goes on to ask for the:
“courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.”
These people who are paid to care about me are smothering me with kindness. I’d like to return the favor, with a pillow as they sleep. Sure, sometimes a person wants the nanny love. But sometimes we need the tough love of a drill sergeant. Someone who wakes you up with:
“Drop your cocks and grab your socks.”
Today I realized my recent bout of depression was from believing their low expectations. I will strive to be my own drill sergeant.