My O2 machine and Cpap are in the living room next to the couch where I now live. Aimee and my children have moved two mattresses to the floor between the couch and the two doors leaving the living room. One is the outside door the other is the door to the rest of the house. If I leave the room, I have to get past them.
Early AM, woke up wanting coffee. Tried to get past the guard dogs sleeping between me and the door out the room. Aimee quizzed me about where I was going. Felt like I should surrender my papers and expected to hear “Das is verboten!” as she released a team of German shepherds to bit my ass.
Anything I do will get me screamed at. Their is a tray of 7 Pot Bubblegum peppers on the floor where I can see them. There is a tray of potting soil and solo cups. I can see the drill I use to make holes in the bottom. Everything I need to repot the plants is here. Everything except another tray which is outside. I dare not try to leave my couch. “Das is verboten!”. Two minutes worth of walking, one hour worth of screaming.
Lady Brigid n Company
Everyone cares so very much about me. Today, in Columbus, Ohio; Lady Brigid and company are going to be at my mother’s condominium finishing the trim and what not. I say ‘and company’ because I honestly have no idea who the ‘and company’ is. She said ‘we’ will be there, but I have been so out of it as to not even be involved in finding folk to help. Short of the condo story is that my mother has finally accepted that she will not be returning to it. As my health declined, it came obvious I could no longer tend her needs. If sold, she can afford to go to an assisted care facility. It is not what I want. It is something I have fought tooth and nail to prevent. But my wife is convinced I can not take care of myself much less someone else. In truth, although temporary, if she should fall I can not so much as pick her up anymore.
Last week, Brian Dinning painted some of the trim at the condo. I think my friend Steve was there to help. Thing is, I barely know Brian. Not saying Steve has a duty, but he knows that if he is in need and I can do a thing to help that I would be there to do it. Brian barely knows me but was there to help after reading something I’d posted to facebook.
You see, before my last hospital stay, I left a post on my Facebook Page begging people to help with the condo. I knew what I was facing. Not certain death, but the last time I had gone septic they’d given Aimee a 40% chance of me coming home. This time I was yellow, so I figured I was damn close. Was frantic to make sure my family would be OK.
Yep, that Sick
Yep, I was sick enough that I thought I would die. Thing is, this is the second time I have gotten that bad. Have been recovering from a moderate traumatic brain injury. Problem being, there is no recovering from the damage to my pituitary gland which is at the base of the brain.
Your pituitary controls your pancreas. Your pancreas produces insulin. Insulin controls blood sugar. When your blood sugar is high, blood does not flow right. When your blood sugar is too low, you fall to the ground and flop around. So if your pituitary gland is wacked, controlling blood sugar is a great deal more than diet or insulin injections. It is guess work. I do not seem too good at guessing what my pituitary gland will decide to do at any given moment.
Complicating things, I have some fairly serious nerve damage from my knees down. Some elsewhere, but it is the feet that really cause a problem. I don’t walk right, so I wear holes in parts of my feet. I dont have much blood flow, so the holes get infected. From there, sometimes it gets better and sometimes the infection reaches my bone.
This it Reached the Bone
This time the infection reached the bone. I lost all of the greater toe on my left foot and some of the bone down inside the foot.
Another hole has started on my right foot, but it does not seem to be infected. Fortunately, the follow up care for the amputation is including care for the right foot to prevent it from going the same way.
Blessing in Disguise
I do get horribly depressed to look at the thing. Not the normal I am sad because it is raining either. More of the I need to see a shrink sort of depression. Not the my mommy didn’t breast feed me kind of shrink either. I want the here is a pill so you can get on with your life sort of shrink. Woke up this AM to see a picture my wife posted. Seeing it first thing in the morning made me almost puke. I want not to feel that for a couple of months while the hole closes and I can look at my foot again.
But balancing that depression is the fact that someone I barely know, Brian Dinning took time out there lives to help with my mothers transition to assisted care. Balancing that depression is Lady Brigid and a group of people I can not even identify are today about to do the same thing. And yes, balancing that depression are the guard dogs of a family sleeping at my feet as I complain about them keeping me chained to this couch.
I am Loved
I am loved. I would like to beat the crap out of some of the people who love me so I can escape my captors, but I am loved so I guess I will continue to sit here on my prison couch for a time. Then again, there is nothing between me and the window.